


Transgressions

by RAW_SYNTH3TICA



Series: Transcendence [5]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Porn, Angst with a Happy Ending, Barebacking, Bodily Fluids, Breathplay, Choking, Conflict of Interests, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, Explicit Sexual Content, Extremely Dubious Consent, First Kiss, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, First Time Bottoming, First Time Topping, Forbidden Love, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Love Confessions, Love at First Sight, Love/Hate, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Male Slash, Movie Spoilers, Multiple Orgasms, Non-Consensual Touching, Orgasm, Orgasm Control, Orgasm Delay/Denial, POV First Person, Porn with Feelings, Science Fiction & Fantasy, Secretly a Virgin, Sensuality, Sharing Body Heat, The Force, Topping from the Bottom, Unrequited Love, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-12
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-13 10:14:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5703910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RAW_SYNTH3TICA/pseuds/RAW_SYNTH3TICA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo Ren's POV - follow up to 'Prayers'</p><p>After last running into General Hux, Kylo Ren does as he promises & does not try to evade General Hux, but only until he is truly alone he tries figuring out his true nature as either a Master-apprentice or a human unable to govern his own powers & memories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ALL IS FICTIONAL & NOT MINE. 
> 
> i honestly had so much fun writing in Kylo Ren's POV that i wrote an entire chapter in his stance instead of alternating as i had originally planned. XD

It is cold, the Death Star is always kept cold for cooling the artificial planet, the frigid flakes of frost and ice serves as a reminder of my servitude to the Dark Side, a reminder that I had almost forgotten in General Hux's arms. 

An unnumbered amount of time had passed since General Hux and myself had last spoke to one another – sans in our tumultuous line of duty – I could feel General Hux growing weary, the speed he completes his duties diving to a new low, he was easily irritable, the quiet in his idle moments hostile and at times threatening violence. Never the less, we met only out of diplomacy and in collaboration for the new sieges upon the Rebels. 

Sharing intimate bonds sprouts affection, affection leads to deep emotions of fondness, from fondness therefore gives way to both Love and Friendship – which is also an allotted emotion that does no honor serving Supreme Leader Snoke – emotions which waste energy, time, resources and dents our control. 

An unnumbered amount of time, before my birth to the Dark Side, Supreme Leader Snoke had perfected the engineering and cloning the most ideal of Storm Troopers from human stock. 

Limber, cunning, intelligent, athletic, obedient and to a fault: hardhearted. 

Ruthless and emotionless in equal measure, they were bred by the hundreds and trained at birth to live the linear life of strict discipline. 

Yet, this taste my psyche suckles so unwanted and greedily, this unquenchable thirst... 

Pulled from my thoughts, General Hux approaches, his gait and pinched expression a whole day's difference from his usual mien, his boots click the quick consummate rhythm of urgency along the wide snowy route of the Death Star's surface as I prepare to brush right past him – his body steps before me, blocking off my path toward the training grounds. 

After following me for so many hours when I wake, it is no surprise that he had picked this hour to interrupt my schedule and throw up my entire woken interval into chaos – a disarray most distasteful for my usual plan. 

My optical scanners detect a sudden raise in his heart rate, his pupils dilate, his brow begins to show a sheen of sweat, and his skin flushes in a raise of body temperature. 

Fear? 

Disgust? 

Sickness? 

“Usually when two beings come together in an uneasy agreement, there is some tangible resistance or even the most tenuous conflict,” his voice is as if hot pins were dropping unto snow – quietly hissing and simmering as they cut through the frigid silence, his breath is visible in the air as are the rippling gray tempests he scrutinizes me with – General Hux gazes through the 'eyes' of the apparatus, I still, speechless as he speaks the quietest most desolate tone of hopelessness, “We exist on the same planet.” 

Anger. 

Anger and Loneliness. 

Anger, Loneliness and Sadness. 

The Desensitization Procedure course he had completed, apparently, did not help against the fostering of his prohibited delusions. 

My report of his relapse will be prompt after our brief discourse is at its end. 

The entire planet stills, the artificial atmosphere itself holds its breath, his next few words strike a dull pain in my chest, “We might as well be galaxies apart.” 

Had I not made myself clear at our first private meeting? 

“I have agreed and readily complied to your terms,” came my answer, the electronic buzz inside my head is only the beginning of a full hour of unfocused practice. 

My sense of pride kept me from finding other more urgent activities to complete in his presence, my waking hours had become doubly constrained the more he walked at my side, hampering my ability to continue along my usually-laid plans; General Hux speaks, I speak – he asks, I answer – his silence accompanies the clicks of our boots along to my destination, my mind is at ease. 

The new routine was almost one I had gotten used to...until Now: 

“Why should you care, Kylo Ren, of My simple ailments?” his question leaves me amazed, No one serving Supreme Leader Snoke is allowed to 'care', no one knows as well as General Hux and myself that tasting the Light even just slightly entails Desensitization or Death, his voice wavers and becomes nothing more than smoke in the cool air, “All my attention is consumed. I am overwhelmed by...by-” 

General Hux is 'overwhelmed' by me? 

Shadows falling from the pine trees against his face leaves a shade where I am not able to decipher the expression on his face, his sharp nose and smooth cheekbones lend a further mysterious darkness that I cannot penetrate by eyesight alone – he is suddenly a figure broken and yet standing in defiance of his own weakness, as if he were begging for his life in the pitiful reality that my threshold of mercy is indisposed, he turns away. 

Every word and emotion is strange and new. 

My past is no help in battling the foreign emotions General Hux bleeds openly, for I cannot recall enough and trust my judgment – as my mother had done long ago while I was in distress – I leaned my chest against his spine and shared my body heat. 

She used to slip her arms around me and smile, the faintest ghost of affection was all I needed to let go of Supreme Leader Snoke's teachings for only a moment – for just this One time so that I may remember her serene smile and graceful face, then all will be back in order in the Force. 

“You sound as if you are nothing-” I whisper, my apparatus makes the low gurgling noise as I try to protect and vocalize the mutual secret we both share, his spine stiffens against my chest, “-miniscule and insignificant. Nothing.” 

For ages, my pledge to Supreme Leader Snoke was one oath that I held a certain perverse pride for...now I realize that long ago I had given everything but my memory over to the Dark Side, the hazy recollections excavate themselves and show anew in my mind. 

“And yet never once do you wonder Why,” he attempts to draw away, I only follow the slight movement and continue our contact, his warmth is infectious, I then add, “We are simple instruments of Supreme Leader Snoke.” 

I can taste the dancing slivers of Light, and for once in an age, I do not struggle against the warmth flooding my heart, the memory seizes me with a power that I cannot break free from, as if my heart had disregarded the last essences of emotion and was in the throes of understanding – decoding, damning, recalling, and though I try to remain as free of the forgotten senses dulled in my heart...I feel. 

“Feeling, yet cold,” my hushed audio relays my whisper against the cutting silence, as if I were flinging syllables made of explosives that his shoulder blades gave a fit of spasms, General Hux was dressed in a padded overcoat and boots, the effect I had on him was not to be mistaken for the cold, no amount of prodding with the Force would show the truth all Storm Troopers were shielded from, “Dangerous, yet helpless.” 

The opposite of the Dark Side...it is choking me and breathing into me. 

“Trained, yet innocent,” I say quietly, all too clearly he understands my meaning, his face turns and I see his reddened eyes, he is raw with emotion, a strong opposite of calm saturates his mind, as if he were a terrestrial at first being gripped by a sharp fear and dwindling hope, I draw our conversation to an indefinite close alas, “We are forbidden...” 

I recede and unclench my tight fists, an unexpected parallel of our sharing of heat arises, more than ever in the most terrifying desperation, I am hesitant to explore the unknown beyond our dangerous surrender to chaos, just one step out of my routine and I sense that I have already committed the highest most unforgivable treason. 

I am confused. 

“To feel, Kylo Ren? Are you really willing to forgo my physical fascination of you until I am demented with hatred, anger, and-” General Hux turns fully, his eyes hold evidence of a disturbance, as if I had awoken something nearly-forgotten and dormant, in the newly-aware result of his anger, he hisses as spitefully as a broken ship engine, “I have never known such unspeakable cruelty as This, and doubly so from You. The sensation of isolation, I cannot bear it.” 

There are no such written protocols for master-apprentices if they should give unto their hidden pandemonium, and all masters of the Dark Force are prided to be perfectly empty of all Light, they give themselves unto control, stoic anger and unquestioning obedience to the higher powers of the Dark, I may as well be in Desensitization until these treasonous sensations are burned from my very brain, only then may I step upon the higher echelon of the sanctified Dark masters. 

I should not feel...fear. 

I should Instill it and burn it unto Rebels. 

“Supreme Leader Snoke, call to me...in my hour of need...I am succumbing...I need your guidance...” 

“He won't answer,” he says simply, I had not realized that my prayer slipped through my lips and unto my vocal transmitter, General Hux steps before myself, his right hand venturing boldly until only his thumb and forefinger are resting upon the edge of my hood, “Listen to me, Kylo Ren, you honestly do not believe those words spilling from your mouth because never once has he answered our pleas. He is nothing and you pray to Feel nothingness. I've succumbed.” 

My breath stills, the dull ache in my chest spreads throughout my lungs and ribcage, creeping and clawing through my bone structure, settling around the darkness and pulling my training along. 

I am in the presence of a traitor of the highest degree, and all I can think to myself is that I want urgently to have this pain etched clearly in my psyche to serve as a reminder of my allegiance to Supreme Leader Snoke; so that I may wear a scar in my mind of my triumph over General Hux whom is seducing me to the Light. 

“You shouldn't have surpassed the tests,” I respond, my anger is stronger than my fear of this great unknown growing alike the untreated festering of a wound, the muscles and bones in his neck are as fragile and burning cold in my hand, yet my grasp is sure and unyielding upon his throat, “You shouldn't have told me, General Hux.” 

Moment by miniscule moment, I store away the sensations of the fresh pain rotting and boiling beneath my skin, like thousands of tiny lesions which refuse to heal as nature intended – he peels open the scars anew and adds to my collection ten-fold, and touches each wound as if blood was a human element only then discovered. 

Little do I expect his gloved fingers to softly press upon my left arm, my body stands still though my skin crawls and my chest squeezes; his simple touch steals away the remnants of terror. 

“There is tranquility in the Light-” he shakily wheezes through the grip I have on his throat, I picture in my mind his skin tinged blue and eyes clouded over, his breath and life force stolen by my hand; he stares through the shadows enslaving us in its bleak embrace, through the optical opening in my apparatus, “-unlike the Dark which singularly provides the Illusion of peace. It's beautiful.” 

Though his skin is showing signs of a dull-blue hue, I am enraptured, the Light in his eyes betrays the uniform he wears and the very reason he was chosen. 

So frighteningly bright and clear, and suddenly, I cannot bear the notion of keeping our secret alone. 

The loathing I suppress of sharing a common trait solely seems the same as asking a being to take only a single breath in their entire lifetime. 

“We are Instruments,” my grip loosens, I attempt explaining both to General Hux and to myself the reasons for which my resolve turned at the last moment, “You need to report to Desensitization and complete the course under maximum-” 

“I know, Kylo Ren, that I am not in the Light alone,” his raspy voice threatens to shatter as he explains the dilemma only the two of us share, the only two on the Death Star whom are drawn and yet opposing at the same time, he rubs his bruised-neck and gasps, “You feel it also.” 

My entirety – usually focused and performing with the sufficient amount of energy – was abruptly disconnected from my mind. 

“I can feel you. Your presence, Kylo Ren. Here. Now,” he does not approach to illustrate his point, nor does he draw away as I have done; he simply lingers in place and sucks in mouthful after mouthful of oxygen and gasps words in between, “So open and desperate, as if moving too quickly or unexpectedly would cause you panic.” 

My heightened senses and masterful ability to wield the Force became irrelevant in the face of seeing alas the map of my own desire and my own disaster – I climb only to fall, I live only to die, I fight only for the Dark Side. 

Then, unbidden, came the memory of my family's shared sentiments: 

I am numb only to openly feel, I feel only to love, I love only to suffer loss...I suffer loss only to...only to... 

“ 'Remember,' ” I whisper hollowly. 

My apparatus presses down against my crown and shoulders, the pressure enough to crush bone, my muscles twist in agony, my nerves grind together and burn, it constricts and binds against my face, the alloy respirator clamps shut against my nose and mouth. 

I cannot see, I cannot hear, I cannot speak, I cannot breathe. 

My fingers haphazardly scrabble and pry at the edge, searching blindly for the latch before the apparatus wraps itself around my head completely. 

Finally, the latch unclasps and I pull my head out from under the offending apparatus, the alloy sparks as I levitate it from my grasp and hurl it at the ground, simply to bury the object in the thick snow and layers of frost. 

In my murderous fury directed at the apparatus, I am unaware that I have been exposed to unprocessed light for the Death Star had orbited until the sun shone above us both; my retinas yank into my head as my naked corneas burn in the simultaneous freezing brightness, I slap my palms against my eyes and take solace in the spotty shadow of my hands. 

Damn this unfiltered light and all it represents! 

A slender object, cool and smooth brushes up the side of my face, and the brief sensation causes me to uncover my eyes; in the midst of the Death Star's tall shadows and gleaming white is General Hux's blue eyes, the lucent color rippling outward and tainting the snow surrounding his adjacent form, he looks nearly as pale as the snow as my pupils focus through my squinted glare, everything beyond his face is a blend of various shades and the starkest whites. 

Being under control and being thrust under chaotic circumstances is the least of my problems, I am exposed. 

“Please-” he understands my absolute distress, his arms fly out toward me as I turn and begin my first pace back to the Death Star's inner chambers, he catches me in his stifling embrace – upon a face that I cannot see, I am entreated the most tragic words ever spoken by any creature capable of speech, “The isolation – it frightens me.” 

General Hux – 'frightened'? 

Darkness grows from our doubly-turned backs, his chest pressed against my spine and the hood of my cloak still preserving a fraction of my identity, the tendrils of light fade as the Death Star again turns upon it's nonexistent axis and thrusts us back into it's desolate 'night', and for a moment, just as a needle pricks the skin, with pain borne blood and suffering from sadness – I feel the distant giant star's gentle illumination, simply an all-consuming submergence of heat – I miss the warmth of the Light. 

My hands drop from my eyes and still cover the lower half of my face, our attention is elsewhere, simultaneously bearing the Darkness' icy solitude and aching from the phantom warmth of Light – I clutch my hood closer against my chest and peer out from beneath the hood of my cloak, I answer whilst forgetting my schedule altogether, “Your fears are my own.” 

This moment is mine, this very frame in a continuum of unmarked time I allow myself simply to breathe, and for the first time gaze upon the infinity beyond the Starkiller's artificial atmosphere, and I realize that lightyears away is the place I once called home...and an unfinished childhood lay shattered in my betrayal against my family and our legacy as a whole. 

General Hux still wraps himself around me, his arms squeezing tighter and tighter about my shoulders, as if his life depended on crushing me into oblivion – but, oddly, I find the action lacking hostility – his head is nestled between my shoulder and neck, the burst of heat upon my enshrouded ear gives the sign that he is placated rather than awkward as I presumably should have been. 

My entirety is in an instant changed, though I had not moved nor said a word, it is as if I had stepped out of my own body and wheedled my way into another, familiar and yet so strangely different... 

The time for indulging my transgressions has passed in a vow that I may never look to my past fondly, that I should fling all poisonous understanding instead – I push free from General Hux's arms, I break from his sweet warmth only to welcome the bitterness of my self-imposed isolation – while this interruption was unplanned, secretly, I am...glad. 

Wind as joyless and spiritless as my presence reminds me further of how much General Hux had damaged my absolute concentration; he peeled away the shell encasing the past I had locked in the deepest recesses of my mind, General Hux's boots carry him to my side as he says quietly, “Please stay a while longer.” 

For a spilt second, I am tempted – Oh, so tempted to melt into the embrace he enclosed me within, his unconditional warmth seeping into my skin – to lose myself and cast aside my hours usually utilized for honing my skills and memorizing attack strategies rather than in the intimate leisure of another's company; I stride into the forest and search for my lost apparatus, he trails after, over and over I inform myself that our actions are strictly Dishonorable, though lacking control in its spirit-enswathing comfort. 

“General Hux-” I say, my voice free of the audio transmitter serves as another damning burden on my conscious, another secret that we both share as if already we are knowingly coalescent, the sunlight now gone, I glare freely into his treacherous eyes and gauge his mounting fear, “Report to Desensitization before I personally escort you there myself and detail your transgressions.” 

The smooth lines once pinched from distress suddenly twist in anger, he fumes and yet fears as much as I of our exploitation, of the prospect that the harboring of our illegal actions and delusions ensue only the wrath of Supreme Leader Snoke – our ultimate destruction as well as our only salvation. 

“You cannot deny our unity,” he speaks determinedly; the fragile last shard I have of my control bursts in the same moment I decide not to execute General Hux where we stand, the hours before where we fled each other's presence was the very likeliness in our probability of discovery, I took to my solace and pounded the sensations deep out of shame – disgrace that General Hux's actions had disturbed and interrupted my accomplished bodily control; the second before I plant him unto my saber, he says quietly unto the hushed dead world beneath our feet and his words take flight to the unknown in my mind, “We're connected, Kylo Ren.” 

Is there such a thing? 

The same sensation chokes me, my mind continuously stutters and denies General Hux's explanation, I spit weakly, “Lies!” 

Instead of pursuing for argument's sake, General Hux leans down and reaches into the deep snow, he pulls my apparatus from the icy crystals, his deft fingers reach in and yank out handfuls of tangled wire, color-coded chip sets, he lastly unlocks the mechanisms and smashes the last outer shell casings against a tree; and through all his soundless actions, he looks only unto me with absolute pity. 

“It's destiny,” he says softly, his sadness overwhelms me almost as much as his respective joy; the Light caresses just the outer fringes of my conscious and if I unfocused my sight in the slightest, I can make out the pale glow surrounding his form, emanating and finding outlet through his eyes, the illumination spilling from his soul is just the barest hint of his accepting the Other – General Hux is not only a traitor, but an enemy – he reaches out for me in all his officer's finery and disgraceful manner, “Untainted, impartial, inescapable Fate.” 

My grip on his body falters as my arm shoots out before me, and like a weak human, I intended to protect myself rather than use the Dark Force to push him away; his form is for the briefest second within a touch's reach as the unseen black matter wells up in my body and spills over, ice in my nerves are the only warning as I instead aim my palm away and show him why all he should feel for me is fear – organic towers collide, snap twist and a cloud of snow is raised high at General Hux's side, never has he known me in the most intractable rage, I fling him unto the tree behind and emit a hiss just short of a growl, “Remember your place!” 

I take hold of his officer's uniform and decide that time was the essence for when Supreme Leader Snoke is rid of such an offensive specimen, I knew that I should have drew my light saber many a sun's death, but I was weary of...of... 

“And ignore my loneliness?” he leans forth slowly, the question itself further confuses me as the heat of my anger is sated and replaced by a kind of sadness – not for myself, nor for anything pertaining to my being and situation, it was for Hux, being that he received the brunt of my unintentional outburst – just a step away, he reaches out betwixt our forms, leaving me in a quiet agony over despising and yearning for his gentle touch, “Our...loneliness?” 

Is this regret? 

The overpowering sorrow infecting each nerve one at a time and leaving destruction in it's path...what am I 'regretting'? 

“How many hours more are you willing to waste, Kylo Ren, praying...beseeching, Begging...” I am at a loss, my entire life's work laid bare and belittled so thoroughly that for a second I feel a terrible ache to leave this forsaken life, to crawl out of my body and disconnect myself from this horror in my mind, and all too soon without the reprieve of a consoling breath: I want something, anything to empty myself of his overpowering shame and guilt – his bare finger swipes down the side of my face and collects the trail of moisture gathered there, he asks softly, “Starving – for the bitter acceptance of Supreme Leader Snoke?” 

No other besides myself, Captain Phasma, and Supreme Leader Snoke knew of my scheduled Desensitization sessions, I willingly completed a course just after General Hux had 'propositioned' himself to me, it was the only way I knew of to rid myself of these...feelings – General Hux completed only by advanced appointments and 'refresher' courses, nothing too exhausting with difficult nor too taxing on the mental status – reducing all whom completed to nothing more than command-bound humans. 

How can everything I have done and gained suddenly feel as if it were an artificial memory, an implanted mixture of images and sounds, this body is not mine, these bleak thoughts and tiresome library of judgments are as foreign as vegetation on Tattooine or deserts in Naboo, these skills I possess are not of the teachings passed down from a once proud legacy of Jedi...this dead planet I share with unnumbered Storm Troopers and several intergalactic species...it is not home. 

It is familiar, yet distant and lacking emotional attachment. 

My eyes pulse, seemingly heavy and heated, they leak hot drops – not saying a word between us both, General Hux bares his other hand and holds my imperfect face – it is only a moment before the heat subsides and he had brushed away every tiny stream, does he understand the sorrow's bitterness, and if so, does he suffer as terribly as I? 

“Has he ever once broken his silence with an answer? A simple gesture?” beheld still, I glance up from the dark lapel of General Hux's uniform and find to my utter surprise that he is also in the same state as I, we share a surreptitious agony and at this moment are interconnected with a strange universe altogether, one of sharp sensations and an endless array of emotions than just the single one the First Order allows its Troops: unquestioning obedience – he leans further unto me and pulls away my hood, he begs in the guise of the undisturbed sound of our shallow breaths, “Please, stay.” 

The clarity I experience is soul-wretchingly beautiful, behind the shadow of the Death Star, there is Light all around and we stand in the most devoid area as still as oblivion itself, no where in my heart am I drawn as to this pitifully devoid vicinity that only we both occupy – the realization floods my entirety with wave after wave of relief rather than dread as Supreme Leader Snoke made us all believe, I chased after a phantom of the Jedi's past, hour after waking hour I trained to be his equal, and yet we are all cursed with our human nature to want until we obtain, to obtain until we are satisfied, and in our satisfaction we find the One last Thing...that one last thing just outside of our grasp, as delicious as it is deadly to admit so on the Death Star...we want...to taste the Light. 

There is no denying the newness to all that culminates between the moment of accepting reality and figuring the next course of action, I stand dazedly as General Hux leads my face forth and tilts my face at a slight angle – he touches his lips simply against mine, after pulling away in an indeterminate amount of time whilst leaving me in awe, I touch where he left a moist heat pulsing and throbbing in time with my erratic heartbeat – he brushes both his palms through my hair, along my scalp and pushes away long curls at my nape, he snatches back his arms as if his actions betrayed the keeping of a secret, his lips tremble throughout his next few words, “I love you.” 

I suffer beneath his gentle hands as he takes hold of the side of my face once more, he agonizes me with his rueful stare and a warmth that does not threaten to burn if I feel his heat against me for too long, his presence tells a tale of two impersonal familiars: I was trained by Supreme Leader Snoke while he took tutelage alongside Captain Phasma, we knew the presence of the other without actually meeting in person, a lifelong friendship may have ensued if we were upon any other planet than the Death Star, we knew the role of the other and foregone contact within a half-dozen paces of one another, we had both lived behind an invisible wall and were doused the illusion of free will. 

Now that I know the truth, is there another way that I can integrate us both back into the Death Star? 

Will anyone notice as we walk side by side instead of General Hux trailing behind? 

Will anyone else grow weary as I had of this solitary misery? 

Will we ever allow these blissfully curious sensations to survive if we are found out? 

Is there anywhere besides on the surface of the Death Star where General Hux can tell me he loves me? 

He is fortunate to have cast aside such notions as immediate danger, and along he tows me by the heart string, pulling me further and further until I can no longer feel that my obligation to Supreme Leader Snoke and the First Order is of present significance – though, I fool myself thinking that I can live simply in close quarters of countless loyal Storm Troopers and in direct fire if we are ever found performing terrible imitations of our Desensitized selves – I can only hold unto an unlikely wish that General Hux may be spared the outcome of betrayal, being that if we are stationed across the opposite sides of the galaxy, I will know that there is another like me whom is as confused and alone, yet safe in a loneliness I endure just as tantamount on the opposite side. 

“Why do you think too much?” he asks, I see the concern upon his face and stay silent; I can do nothing more than shiver as he softly pets my cheek and the mass of curls entwining at my neck, where ever his bare hands roam leaves the memory of his touch, sending delicate strands of teasing tingles all about my skin, his closeness threatens our very lives and he cares less of the consequences, “Do not be afraid, Kylo Ren. I will not allow onto you any harm.” 

I pluck his hands from remembering the rest of my face, causing him to gasp and curl his thumb and fingers around my own, he makes my decision to abandon him in our misery so difficult that I ache as deeply as my very existence, he may continue touching me if it means that he will never cease the wandering brushes of his hands, his awe and reverence of me root themselves in the newly-discovered side of my psyche that I may never tell them apart were I asked to do so, this delusion must end in our parting and our ultimate dissatisfied misery, before he is destroyed in favor of myself.

“No more talk of love and lies and destiny-” I do not meet his eyes, though I had not drawn my saber, I understand perfectly how profoundly my sentiments wound him in the guise of apathy, harming General Hux would be the truth of how much I want to accept his affections and to tell him so; I fight an invisible war without weapons and I can only admonish his desperate advances, “-we are bound by the First Order to not-” 

“If being consumed by Light is the only way that allows me to feel this way indefinitely-” his bare fingers grasp unto my own, the resigned calm of his voice is as placating as it is alarming, I wonder how he can be so careless in the face of our doom, he is inconsiderate in light of how much I am willing to endure on his behalf if he ever is allowed to life amongst the Death Star's population, he gathers my hands near his lips and closes his eyes as he calmly utters the finality of his precarious decision, “-so I submit. I concede. I succumb.” 

His expectant eyes shine from the shadows, as if expecting my saber in his chest at any moment, too late has he realized admitting to the First Order's most loyal servant, and he also declared his love for me; he broke the rule of falsifying his sessions in Desensitization, realized a powerful emotion delegated illegal by Supreme Leader Snoke, and harbored such emotions for a period of time only to... 

Feel...to experience...to suffer at the hands of destiny. 

Had he not bore false witness to his own sessions, he may never have nursed an infant emotion as it took hold in his conscious, then he would never have pressed unto me his secret – yet...he Willingly skipped Desensitization, regrew and relearned the taboo emotions, for reasons unknown...I am confused but unwilling to pry, I wish now for his serenity to never end. 

“If there is no changing your mind-” my voice is strange, I speak lower, softer, for there is no reason to shout and growl, I speak as if it were my soul and my mind being two different entities in my body, yet I agree with the words flowing outward that I find no fault in its simple logic, “-maybe then I should accompany you on your journey.”


	2. Chapter 2

His face nuzzles upon my hands he had captured within his own, such an expression I had never witnessed is at once his, he is relaxed beyond restraint and in absolute bliss over his admission, absolute serenity I once thought were the unproductive wastes of energy left me entranced and captivated, just enough that I wanted...I yearned...I needed to feel thoroughly immersed instead of just tasting the very fringes of happiness, I want to understand completeness and find the release that General Hux had chased adamantly within the walls of my private quarters. 

No longer can I just stand idly by and watch, I want to be as close as possible, and enforce my vow as General Hux's protector, to feel his serenity wash over me and immerse myself in his calm elation, whether it is the act or the sensation of granting sanctuary to emotion – we, the silent population of the Death Star are forbidden the experience, and like General Hux whilst I first caught him practicing procreation upon himself in my quarters: I hunger for prolongation and thirst for the same kind of pleasure he sought in earnest. 

Whilst he stood obediently in my grasp, I probe his mind for tiny clues which would link my actions unto him and affect his physical status; it is apparent by the uncontrollable shake in my usually-steady hands that I am no such practitioner in ways of giving the sensations that makes his entirety a throbbing chasm of sharp bodily perception and ensues quite the addiction for continuation. 

Upon touching his mind with my own using the Force, instead of piecing together familiar places upon his body that evokes the sensations and therefore enacting by way of my unlearned hands, he leads me by the wrist to a small nest of saplings and aged pine which had grown too close to one another, and made a kind of private alcove where the ground lay undisturbed and powdered with sparse snow, he fills me with images of us two together in an embrace, as one mind, one soul, two bodies entwined and complete. 

His long form then leaned against the tree's smooth side and following my own newly-awakened thirst, I can only watch his fingers as he deftly reaches beneath my hooded cloak, his motions are not hurried nor invasive, he takes reverent care whilst loosening my belt and slipping down my loose trousers over my hips, along the lines, I forget to be self-conscious of my organ that is only uncovered while performing my necessary bodily functions and during physical wellness exams; this is a part of my body which endures clinical handling and I tire of it because it is simply another role I am naturally obligated to fulfill, so I instead take in his face. 

In the soft flecks of light reflecting off the snow from the far off strobes, he is to me merely human: his eyes are the color of a pale sky on the edges of the horizon and at the moment demonstrating a different kind of happiness, as if he is appreciating me free of formalities, his brows in their lax state suggest peace rather than the usual furrowing angled tilt that told of anger, the bone structure of his nose and cheeks are smooth yet not lacking personality in slight indentures and prominent peaks, his lips are the innocent color of flushed tones and the shape meant only for smiling instead of scowling, I have not been given enough time nor the material which would allow me to judge his appearance for myself. 

General Hux is, plainly, General Hux. 

Whether by the drop in temperature or again, the result of fear or disgust, it is surprise – his eyes widen at the sight of my bared organ, and his cheeks flush as bright red as the tip of his nose – wondering if he sees a deformity, I glance down discover myself in a state that I have never seen. 

My flaccid organ was a sight I never observed too closely for the fact that I do not possess emotions of physical vanity, whereas my skill was the main concern and my prized achievement upon my reputation; both our eyes are drawn to my organ, it stands from the center of my hips, swaying unfazed in the cold and discharging an opaque stream from the tip, all around I feel my nerves jumping and my body pulsing from the inside and rolling outward in heady swaths, the sensation itself overpowers me as he at first touches the tip, I instantaneously clasp his arms above the elbow and await for the thunderous pulsing to subside, my mind is imprinted with the electrical pattern running up and down my spine tirelessly as I attempt the simplest action: to breathe. 

The grip I have on his arms loosens as I lean against General Hux, I try not to touch him lest I upset the last bit of control and posture I have left, my forehead rests next to his warm temples, he swipes his fleshy upper lip against my cheek as he whispers in my ear, the hot blast erupting against the side of my face again resulting in the same effect, “Have you ever-?” 

I shake my head unflinching, and know almost automatically that he has the upper hand in these ensuing activities. 

“No,” I say in a tone I do not recognize, it is deeper than usual, breathy and I feel as if I had exhausted the last of my oxygen mid-syllable – and if General Hux took heed at all of our planet-wide guidelines, he would have already found that we are nonexempt for using our bodies in such a way which does not serve any purpose – at once, I wonder if he had shared these feelings with another, “You?” 

“On myself,” he answers shakily, he gently cradles my testicles in his warm left hand, a sharp hot-cold jolt shoots through my lower abdominal organs and races up the length of my spine as if I were but a creature made up of oversensitive nerves and tissue, I once more take hold of his arm, the painful brush of his palm is enough to wipe my mind clean of thought, and yet the seed of addiction is already taking root and making me thirst for his attention, “Touching another is...new.” 

This exquisite pain lancing and burning from my lower abdomen and ending only while I try to breathe deeply, if suffering my humanity to the full extent is only a collection of sharp sensations and gentle torture, there is no other way to live than to experience this strobe over and over – my lungs seize as he gasps and the hot air brushes my cheek, my lungs burn as does the organ standing from my pubis, his moist lips latch unto mine, he pushes air through my parted lips and down into my lungs, his scent suggests a sterile warmth and alas, I take in a breath whilst he sucks on the very tip of my tongue with his fleshy lips – his slender fingers take hold around the tip, not completely able to wrap his fingers around my full circumference as he gathers up the thick opaque liquid upon his thumb. 

“Is it suppose to-” my voice is reduced to a low growl, my legs tremble as the shocks spear through me, his left hand cupping my testicles begin a slight pull and squeeze until I feel heavy and weak from his touch, since at last rediscovering how to breathe, my gasping exhales are uncontrollable, it seems as if his touch also affects other functions than sensory and muscle memory, my respiratory functions are also compromised the longer I am within his grasp, my curiosity finds its way from incoherent thought and I complete my question, passably while possible, “-why am I-?” 

The combination of his warmth, his accommodating presence, his gentle hands roving over the source of my suffering – my body is lost in waves made of warm writhing cords, where I am pulled asunder by his hands and raised to catch my breath – the process endlessly spins me, dizzying me, guiding me and confusing me all at the same time, suddenly, an untainted terrible dread grips me as I wonder through the foggy haze that is my mind if my body will ever reach a pinnacle, and alas be free of this onslaught, and if once I am liberated, if there is such thing as restarting the activity all over again; distressed, I push away his hands. 

“Shh,” General Hux's eyebrows furrow, his concern for my state almost throws me off guard, and he refrains from holding my organ as he had previously – my body pulses the same erratic beat of my heart, the rippling throughout my abdomen continues, just in the slightest alleviated of pressure, the sound of his voice causes my entire abdomen to twitch, brushing my organ against his uniform, I grit my teeth as shame floods my cheeks with half-relieved half-dissatisfied heat, “Calm down, this is only pleasure.” 

His words do not mock nor ridicule my seemingly-inexperienced reactions and I nearly cannot hear his soft reassurances beyond the constant thumping in my ears, he instead peels apart his stiff uniform coat, the knowing work of his fingers easily finds his own belt, his uniform trousers being more fitting than my own provides an unyielding obstacle as he works the stiff fabric halfway down his thighs, his translucent skin glows red, a sheen from his perspiration covers his body, he pauses just the moment his fingertips graze his skin where the under-layers hold his organ in a skintight embrace – the sight enough of his pleading pale eyes swimming in dew and staring at me like so causes my blood to boil, I tentatively press the side of my face to his cheekbone and try to convey my sympathy for sharing this excruciatingly beautiful...pleasure...and sharing with me a secret as new and fresh as my experience. 

The lethargy before feeling pleasure was as if I had been disconnected from my own mind, what good is being a master wielding the Dark Force if there is this Other spectrum...this Other where agony and numbness are merely twin neighbors and not contradictory companions? 

Both pleasure and agony share the same intensity, yet enacting different purposes – the absence of sensation begets only roots of not fearing for oneself, and pleasure creates a welcomed anticipation for myself and General Hux – one evokes positive stimulus, the other is merely nature's tool equal to the checking of one's health. 

Hesitantly, he peels off the last layer of his clothing, he stands uncovered from his abdomen down to his thighs, his body looks as smooth as freshly glossed alloy, his slender muscles quiver and undulate, I brush my palm over the surface of his pale expanse, the navel set in the center of his abdomen is evidence enough that he was taken as a child away from is birth-parents – my apology, when prompted for by Supreme Leader Snoke, was only a brief explanation ended with admonishment of failure or wrongdoing – my chest tightened at the thought of General Hux being stolen in a manner unknown to me, this realization leaves a strange pang in my chest also. 

Perhaps my touch may dissipate the last of his sorrow, and being that I know little for expressive language, the words which detail sorrow and gratitude are simply phrases I can describe in language-oriented visual aspects of provided instances, not exactly knowing or sure of the complex chemistry within the intricate mind and unseeing soul, they are to me phantoms holding attachments of fleeting memories, little words and actions which cause us to remember a life long ago on another world, where within our minds and in the very actions of others are hidden treasures; gratitude toward those serving the First Order is the opposite of appreciation toward a parent, the 'gratitude' I had expressed these past phases of my life had merely been a long line of acknowledgments that my efforts were recognized and placed high above all others'. 

A lifetime ago, I may have scorned General Hux's manipulations, and now can I finally find the actuality within to be grateful for his boundless patience and underserved kindness, though he needed not to pursue me as he had done many waking cycles before, he did so only to share these sentiments and demonstrate with my untrained hands the forbidden joys of pleasure, for this, I am ever grateful on a particularly larger scale, he opened my eyes and body to another spectrum of sensual agony, a torture which provided a flourishing mixture of potent esthesis. 

The skin enshrouded beneath the covering of his uniform are the same pallid tint of his face, yet I find a constellation of tiny flecks of pale scarlet markings gracing his limbs, and a dusting of short golden hairs that begin just below his waist and thickens at the base of his standing organ, as he wished in the secrecy of his imagination I reach, his breathy gasp against my ear blends with the thudding in my chest, my right hand stays planted on the quickening lower muscles of his abdomen, the glove encasing my hands suddenly feel as overbearing and impersonal as a medical exam, and so alas unhanding his arm, I pluck off my right glove, freeing my arm from the glove's long reach near my elbow. 

His wide eyes stir from their trance, breaking contact with my own and watch the quick work happening between our tensed forms, he stares intently as if through a pair of gray moons in a lit sky, being General Hux's singular audience, I rake his expression for signs of distress, the up turn in his eyebrows, the widening of his eyes, the retraction in his pupils, color draining from his face, cold sweat, maybe a bout of uncontrolled muscle spasms, tension stringing tight within his face and body – none are present. 

Witnessing General Hux so bare and abandoned of doubt, he simply awaits my next movement as his naked fingers rake over his clothed chest, as if suffering abandonment and finding consolation in his own movement, his hips and lower spine undulates in sweeping motions, waving to and fro through the cold air, a little impatiently he grazes my own stiffness and I nearly double over from the quaking stab of heat coursing through my veins, his lips fleetingly flickers soothingly over my cheeks and brow, the warm sucking points of pressure move along my scalp as he whispers between each interruption, “I'm sorry, Kylo Ren, I'm sorry.” 

His voice calms the tempest raging beneath my skin and pooling in my abdomen, I am pulled down to his chest, my head pushed against the juncture of his neck and left shoulder, the fabric is simply padded and sterilized, yet when I take a breath, his scent invades my discomfort, it is a combination of natural bodily oils and his body's inner chemistry as he perspires, he smells so warm and alive that my tongue moves out from beneath my teeth, I want to understand my new senses as boldly as he had, my tongue touches him so promptly that I may have just moved my nose against his jawbone and bumped against him, the simple action stills his breath against my crown, his arms tighten about my head as he nuzzles against my curls. 

Being that I cannot move and the fact that my sense of taste has not dulled since my last repast, I sweep my tongue once more over the modest amount of bared skin encasing his tendon, his pulse meets my tongue as does a musky sweetness, his scent dizzies me, as if my body were sky-born and leaving the sun on my skin, I can only understand his warmth against my face, his taste on my tongue, I salivate more than normal and soon his neck is saturated from my saliva, in this beautiful nothingness and assault upon the consciousness, I wonder if I can imitate his actions of creating a sucking pressure with my mouth, my lips purse slightly and I lead a trail along his pulse, softly pressing and adding a minimal amount of suction, he pulls my face away from his neck and I figure that my actions may have displeased him some way, it is understandable being that he had the most practice out of us two. 

“Kiss me, Kylo Ren,” he gasps against my face, and the same I had been ready to express was just as easily wiped away, leaving me stunned, I thought 'What appropriation in the Death Star's vast enchiridion is a Kiss?' - upon figuring my confusion, General Hux takes hold of my cheek and lays his right hand beneath my chin, he tilts me forth and says, “Like this.” 

Shock, awe, splendor, he captures me in the strange connection our lips partake, that which once shaped sounds into vowels and vowels into words had become a means to link upon a physical degree, where we meet I feel his heartbeat, my own lips pulse a warmth that I am slowly becoming accustomed to, his left hand loosens from my cheek and he wraps his fingers around my organ, a jolt once more rolls along my limbs until I pull away and find the words alas in this mess of a mind that is my own , “Why do I-?” 

“Kylo Ren,” his fingers give a quick squeeze and once more my thoughts and accompanying words leave me on a long silence that I quickly fill with a breathless groan, the opaque liquids running over the tip oozes down over his fingers, my limbs fight against my control to stop the fluid motion of his hands, to deny the warmth encasing my organ in a voluptuous grip, yet the opulent ripple in my abdomen causes me to heed his soft request, “Don't think. Feel.” 

The ridges from between General Hux's fingers create a contrast between the softness of his skin and the unyielding shape of his skeletal structure upon my nerves, while his up-down movement adheres a sufficient tension, and his grip adds friction, my liquids only keep him from making our encounter bordering on sadistic, and yet I know that General Hux is anything but sadistic, for he was the one whom sympathized and accommodated my needs for these past moments; suddenly curious as I had been of tasting his skin, I also yearned to know the taste of his mouth, though we were connected so intimately, touching my tongue into his mouth and brushing where I pleased seemed so completely...vulgar...forbidden...exciting. 

“Strange,” I gasp against his full lips, he only makes a throaty sound of recognition as he presses his mouth toward mine, I push the officer's cap off his head and entwine my fingers through the long hairs at the back of his head, an almost violent hunger grips me as I struggle to beat the Darkness down and experience the Light free of malice or anger, I give only a brief warning and descend unto his unsuspecting mouth, “More. I need something more-” 

Fragments of a past I once knew comes unto me in bright shards, where I once saw my parents share such a chaste kiss and look unto me smilingly, and others where they kiss as if they would become shadows in a wide oblivion if they could not feel the other, as if their life depended on their connection – this was one such kiss. 

The question nearly slipping from his tongue quickly becomes the first vowel in a sound that pleases me, and surely, shows his delight in the change I add: at first our teeth click together as I open myself ungracefully, and my tongue causes him to clamp down on me, though the inconvenient shock of his teeth biting my tongue almost causes me to swallow myself and vow never to try something so reckless ever again, General Hux encloses his lips around the tip of my tongue and suckles, as if to wordlessly apologize the pain away, yet the suction is so soothing that I wordlessly forgive him by venturing deeper and pushing our lips together, he complies. 

I am thankful that his hands on my organ stills so that I may fully interpret his taste, his saliva is as slippery as my own, this tongue is smooth and indecisive as I at first give a tiny lick, he responds with a twitch and an abrupt hissing intake of oxygen, he is neither salty nor savory, neither spicy nor bland, he tastes between aquatic and faintly sweet, and his tongue flutters to life as I sweep against his inner cheek, there might have been an art to kissing, yet all we can do is feel blindly for one another and suckle as unobtrusively as possible, being that the wet smacking sounds proved much a distraction as were our needy inarticulate sounds. 

“Too much-” I mumble a semblance of words mixed with sloppy licks and heavy exhales as he crashed our lips together, a desperation only my body knew pushed me to taste General Hux deeper, to try and understand the urgency within me that barred me from stopping, it demanded that I go forward, a conclusion unknown to me could only be put into a perspective made of two half-hissed half-groaned words, “-not enough.” 

I felt as if there was too little time to create or discover this ultimate conclusion of our intimacy, and try as I may to forget my body's urgency, I knew it would only end in disaster, for the fact being that I could not simply Stop if I wanted, my entirety required something Else in line with sensuality – my abdomen already felt as if it was a tangle of electric knots, and my testicles were growing heavy beneath my organ, my body was so alive and flowing with excessive energy that I was already feeling as if I were about to explode. 

“Forgive me, Kylo Ren,” General Hux pulls from my lips, he senses my agitation and once more tries to ease my discomfort – I feel so lost, dumb, deaf, blind and yet only able to Feel this incurable thrill; this disorienting, all-consuming, unforgiving limbo that Light has so conveniently created in the vast depths of my mind and soul, not only has pleasure robbed me of restraint it seems to have distorted my thinking as well – he unhands my aching organ, his eyebrows furrow as he uncertainly answers, “My knowledge is very limited and I only possess some...control.” 

Yet, I am not afraid nor fearful for being unable to find the ultimate pinnacle my body demands, I am afraid of the events after I finish, that after all this mystery and sensation fades away, that I will return to existing exclusively as an unfeeling form which is simply an instrument of following commands and carrying out unstimulating schedules, and General Hux will once more be a lone traitor in midst of excruciating bliss, leaving me untouched by the First Order – and how long shall I remain immune to the many wonders of pleasure if they take General Hux away? 

Surely, until death or destruction claims me; and if such sanctions were to be passed on to General Hux, I would have him no other way than how we are now connected, our forms exploring the deeper meaning of personal involvement, his trust in me is unsettling, yet in his unwavering dependance I find succor, we are one person split in half and each given a separate body, and in embracing each other, we unify both in mind and body, though still clumsily trying to guess the other's purpose. 

As these sentiments take hold and become more than a passing thought, it strikes me as truth, and as surely as my body demands release, I would rather give General Hux the experience he so wished for as long as he harbored feelings of love for me – the idea that someone has placed me in their heart so deeply is enough to make me ignore my own needs, and suddenly, I wish for him to be present in my heart, General Hux had waited long past whereas a person more experienced and impatient would have discarded my stoic self for one more susceptible to their advances – automatically, I kneel before him, he at first wonders of my intent, my tongue darts from my mouth and I taste his organ. 

“D-don't you think-?” he whimpers, my tongue tip licks upon the head of his organ, coaxing out drops which I dutifully lap up and continue, his entirety shivers as his hands clamp upon my shoulders, neither pushing me away nor hindering my work; his organ blushes a deep red at the tip, the length itself showing as smooth and sleek as his graceful body, I cannot help watching him quaver and mewl mindlessly, his organ leaps and twitches against my tongue as I lick him more fully, his whittling voice calls out my name, chanting, beseeching me, pleading and praying as if I were a master conducting the very essence of his soul, “K-Kylo-!” 

His fluids have a slightly cloying muskiness and the same aquatic characteristic as his saliva, yet at present, he is delicious, so much so, I feel as if I can devour him, suck him dry of his bodily fluids and never be satisfied, he may never come to understand how much he has changed me until he asks me properly – my lips form a loose ring around his inflamed head as my tongue laps up the constant moisture gathering at his slit, I suckle and just as suddenly nearly choke the moment he thrusts himself completely into my awaiting mouth, yet he fits so perfectly that I allow him to continue his shallow movements all the while sobbing, “Kylo Ren-” 

Swallowing his copious fluids, he stays mindful of my need to breathe and cruelly makes his exit when he thinks I may need to take a lungful of oxygen, I take a short breath and suck him back in after planting a kiss where the moisture leaks from, his face contorts between expressions of sheer desperation and absolute rapture of being in my mouth, I myself take pleasure feeling him tremble against my lips and twitch atop my writhing tongue, his fullness slowly presses just near my throat and yet not quite reaching far enough to block my air passage, my left hand grasps at his hip and right thigh, his muscles knot and relax spasmodically. 

Wanting him ever closer, I break from the trance he beguiled me with, my right hand ventures between his thighs, my palm spread as I hold him against my lips, relishing his whining cries, he shudders as if the world itself was falling around him, a heartier liquid spurts from his organ, coating my tongue and throat, his fingers dig into my shoulders as he sobs brokenly from atop my kneeling form – his pale eyes burn into my own, his hair in disarray and his officer's cap missing, General Hux stands rigidly half-crouching and still trembling as I move my tongue slightly in order to swallow the liquid I so crave – his high-pitched whimper signals his discomfort. 

I wonder if I had bitten him in my rash mindless sucking, and quickly I surge to my feet and ask, “Are you hurt?” 

He blearily glances past me as if I had not spoken and his attention was called elsewhere, he throws his arms around my shoulders and licks me from my chin all the way to my brow – at first, I shiver from the ensuing reawakening of my senses, and suddenly suppress the urge to suckle him again, his simple presence poses a new kind of torture, the fact that he is before me and I cannot experience him as wholly as I desire – he rests his forehead atop my shoulder and gives an answer which sounds suspiciously alike a low moan, “No.” 

“A moment, Kylo Ren,” in the same tone he breathes frantically against the left side of my neck, my entire body thrums in the waves of yearning, to end this opulent agony which still throbs within my veins, a sublime sweetness leading upon thunderous tempests – I am no longer the same Kylo Ren of the First Order, I am unwillingly a slave to my needs, bound by no other law than those governed by emotion, there is no turning back to the unfeeling servant I once began as – my mind and body are nothing if General Hux were not at my side, I would still have been a machine entrapped in chains of flesh and bone, and with absolute stunning clarity, I realize that I am a fraction of a person without General Hux, I may see and hear, but anything relating beyond empathy and emotion would be completely half-formed memories lacking vital detail. 

Wordlessly, after his rapid breathing had calmed, I muse to myself silently of the limited ways possible we may meet and if destiny wills it, how we may escape the First Order's wrath, for now, the moment I had previously claimed for myself was coming to an end, I could distinguish by now between positive and negative tension, we had immediately just passed the point where reality should set in and claim the unfaltering Light where it once swelled proudly, and the cold reasoning of the Dark reigns as I try desperately to extend our perfect little coincidence, General Hux clings to me as never before, his arms squeeze around my neck and shoulders as his hands ball into solid knots, in a feeble attempt at denying the probability of our discovery, he whispers sadly into my damp curls and ends our unity as suddenly and peculiarly as it had been at first initiated, “Please, we can't go back. It just isn't possible.” 

“I fear, General Hux-” my admittance does not placate of his fears, though I am drawn to comfort him in his hour of need, nothing as disappointing and startling as reality can be kept from General Hux, and so I keep hopeful embellishments at bay, the cold collective sounds that come from my lips seem familiar to my ears, and yet betrays the outcome of our unity, “-what then if we are not accounted for?” 

“Anything, I'll endure anything,” as if attempting to crawl into my skin and remain like so, and I would have welcomed his presence if the impossible were possible, uneasily, unwarranted, I surrender once more to the cold shadows of the Dark and am overcome with the same murderous rage for being so exposed in the presence of General Hux, he looks upon me carefully, weary of the tension still in the air, as if the beguilement had never been broken, his soft words sap my body of anger, “As long as I am with you.” 

The pleasure I give is understandable reason enough that he may want companionship after our illicit actions, yet all the danger I pose against him should also warrant the same reasons that we are not a compatible pair, unknowingly, I may even end his existence one day if my control slips in the slightest – and still, I hunger more than my body can bear for his presence, my very psyche aches from his unwavering affection and patience – he gives the barest movement as my mind races through thought after thought of indecision and impossibilities. 

“You can see me every waking cycle,” my flat statement is only a half-truth, the fact that we will be found out is an outcome I silently prepare myself for, the endless sense-numbing sessions in Desensitization seems the only route set before us both, and if we fail, he will surely be disposed of and executed, while I may simply live out the remainder of my lifespan as an unthinking vessel groomed to be the next perfect Lord, “I will continue interacting with you accordingly.” 

“It's not nearly enough-” onward he lurches, until our bodies are flush and he searches out my lips to rouse the sensations we had explored previously, knowing the power of his touch and taste, I clamp my lips shut and deny him the entry he seeks, his tongue prods at the light line set beneath my nose, his lips swipe softly as his tongue searches in vain for my acceptance of his kiss, unfazed, he gazes so deeply and honestly that I feel my chest tighten as his lips move against my cheek, “-to love you in secret.” 

Millions upon billions of more suasible humans we live in close quarters of within the Death Star and he just so happened to choose the most unlikely, reluctant and the furthest untouched of the population...why do I feel so honored for his admission and yet so vulgarly unworthy of being the source of his emotions?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the reason why i updated this so quickly was because i hit a writer's block...unconventionally XD


	3. Chapter 3

“So we have no other option,” I answer, full of purpose, I pull his arms free and take a step back, almost painfully my hand gingerly tucks my organ away and I draw the belt tight against my waist, sensing the change in my behavior, General Hux stands before me, suddenly working hurriedly to make himself presentable once more, “Have a fighter authorized for departure, you are not safe here.” 

“After sharing liberation of our loneliness, you dare try separating us yourself?” General Hux hisses, he surges toward me and unconsciously by reflex I reach for my saber, he stands before me as I have barely a hand's breadth between us to fend him off, I swing only to have my arm caught and my threat goes unnoticed, my spine falls unto the thin sheet of frost upon the soil, and once more we are at odds, his explanation stuns me motionless and my thoughts flee, all I can think of is alleviating General Hux's fears, “You may as well destroy me right now as I embrace you.” 

In the times we were equally at odds impressing Supreme Leader Snoke, I would have preferred nothing more than to either rid myself of General Hux's presence or flaunt my favor over his multiple failures to even be acknowledged by the lowest officers, only now that the slightest miscalculation on his part would equal Our demise. 

“That is not my intention,” I growl, determined as never before, I surge up with strength unknown and I tower over his prostrate form, he gazes away as I angrily shuck off my other glove, defeat clearly making General Hux absent-seeming beneath me, and understanding our differing destinies, my entirety comes alive while I lean over his lax unresponsive body and devour his unmoving lips, I sweep along the slippery sweetness of his inner sanctum and suckle him back to life, I breathlessly break from him and huff, “We will leave. Together.” 

His energy renewed, his bare fingers scrabble at my face as if proving that I was still connected to him, his mouth opens for me and we clash, the nescient mingling of our tongues is most perversely exhilarating as sacredly intoxicating and addictive as the most potent poisonous nectar, I give him proof of my consenting willingness, my knees cradle beneath his long splayed legs as I dip my abdomen to his hardness, I grasp his thighs and pull his body more fully against my own, his entirety stills – slowly, realization dawns and I figure that This is his submission, not out of duty nor my higher status on the Death Star, it is an action attained out of adoration, and should be taken as an act of strength, not weakness – and in learning how to receive pleasure, I give unto General Hux, purely through instinct my intention is to drive him mad as he had done unto me earlier. 

The act of giving unto adoration and receiving the accompanying physical action in kind makes all thoughts disappear, the world itself may crumble and shatter, yet while there is breath and strength left in me there is no other place allotted for me than here, embracing General Hux, my... 

Sensation that I had long suppressed stood unveiled at the forefront of my consciousness, as if I were welcoming a memory from lost times, and the tightness throbbing in my chest felt no different than a direct blow to my ribcage, yet a thrill, the delicious electricity of our closeness sings in my veins, my blood rushes in a heated fever all throughout my system and my soul reaches beyond the boundaries of my flesh, thousands of long invisible fingers skim passim into his skin, he hums his absolute bliss, and in the fogs of consciousness, we touch – an instantaneous unity of our psyche unfolds, this mind I am wandering through upon light feet belongs to General Hux, the assault of clear images are his recollections, a majority are snippets and hazy washes of shadows as he gazes at my back – the ripple in his body is the last reminder that he had seen me as a child enshrouded in dark robes, my small hidden face a mask of stringent control and silent beneath my hood, I at once experience his infantile wonder overshadowing his obedience as he sneaks through endless corridors of the Death Star only to catch a glimpse of me in training. 

His memories thrust me this way and that, yet the images remain clear as if my body had been deposited into his: 

As a child taken beneath Captain Phasma's care and under the tutelage of the last descendant of Fett, he has an incurable curiosity of the young apprentice in dark robes, he takes small quiet steps to ensure that no one would hear him drifting around forbidden grounds, and only once I open my eyes during meditation and catch him staring from the farthest corner of the training grounds, he only sees a child-Thing, not a human boy nearing in age as himself, he sees that I am too enveloped in shadow and approaches purposefully, the adolescent Captain Phasma catches him by the arm and reprimands him quickly, “Do you want the both of us killed, Hux? We're not supposed to be here!” 

She pulls him away as he points and says, “What about the...-” 

“That's the business of the Supreme Leaders,” she simply answers without sparing my form a second glance, and I realize that she rushes away in fear. 

“But-” he looks at me questioningly, as if in disbelief that a child could be asked forth by the Supreme Leaders, not once understanding Phasma's terror, Hux tugs uselessly at her sleeves as she continues to pull him along, “-It's alone in here.” 

The vast many recollections scattered about his mind show glimpses of my back, once in a while of my apparatus and hood, apparently the Desensitization courses had not dulled his sense of curiosity, and so he continues to glance my direction from his perspective at my back, invariantly remaining is the strong urge to touch my spine in some manner, to affect my even strides and balanced words, he imagines my face upon the blank ceiling of his own private quarters, adding a color here, subtracting a physical attribute there, and the visions of my imaginary touch is the last onslaught – he has earned my sympathies ten-fold and also the connection he seeks. 

As I journey through his mind, he seems as if to glance back upon the time I remove my apparatus, at first there is the instantaneous lash of dread, as he glimpses my dark curls through the confines of my hood – wonder, and the profile of my face provides a spike of surprise, lastly, seeing my facial features as a whole...absolute yearning desire that I, myself, cannot contain within just the vast assemblage of his recollections...this, surely, undoubtedly, feels like Love. 

“I have fallen,” my voice has barely the strength move those stubborn words sitting on the tip of my tongue, and General Hux may have heard the sharp intake of breath I release against his down-turned chin, the slow grinding shift in his lower body says otherwise, my right arm cradles his body away from the snow, as my left hand searches the shadows for his face, he catches my thumb in his reddened lips and I scrape the smooth expanse of his chin with my teeth, “You know the expression-” 

The warm glow that I had touched with my mind spreads alike a bolt of lightning throughout my entirety, my limbs are aglow, my mind is at peace, my heart has found a home and little do I understand the partial surrender of my soul I give is not unto the Light, I yield to General Hux, the unknowing being clasped around me as if he were privy already to the truth. 

“Oh, yes, Kylo Ren,” he kisses all along my scalp that he can reach, the brilliant color of his eyes return, clear and as inviting as his warmth entrapped betwixt our entwined forms engorges even further against my abdomen, his bare fingers twist and tangle within the fabric of my trousers and the tunic which trails down over my knees, free of distress and sporting the edge of mischief he whispers, “Finally.” 

No longer do I suffer the sweetness of his warmth, nor the burn of his lips, General Hux is simply as human as I, and we feel desire's pull, the prickling beneath my skin quickly transforms into a wave of sensation, the jumping pulse in my veins thrumming a deep resounding rhythm as his heart, his organ brushing fully against mine and his hands tearing my hips closer through the tension in my garments, his wet tongue slipping languidly over my lips sends my mind careening, and the present becomes another addition to fantastical delusion; were it not for clothing, I would never be able to distinguish whom was whom and what was what, we would be a single wriggling mass of flesh and sounds, I imagine that in such a state of our positions in a vast nothingness, simply by building the delicious friction we would no longer be aware that there is no more thoughts of Supreme Leader Snoke or of the First Order. 

Inspired, I pull away from his mouth, my hand makes easy work of his belt and part his half-done officer's uniform, the thick overcoat falls away seamlessly and pools beneath his body, he shivers in the cold and yet allows me to peel his under-layers off his upper torso, nothing in my recollections comes to describing his sheer exquisiteness: where I may have deduced for him to have imperfections there is none, the slender column of his throat trembles as I brush my fingers reverently, taking my time memorizing the way his muscles spasm and jump up to meet my fingers, his bare flesh warm and shivering beneath my own equally-bare palm, I press my mouth against his chest, testing the resistance I meet and find his skin pleasingly smooth, lacking fragrance and yet all the same as sweet as his entirety I had tasted so far. 

Wordlessly, he whimpers, guiding my attention from his nude chest, I lay my cheek against his flushed skin and listen to the constant knocking in his chest, his shallow intake of oxygen adds as a low rumble of wind, and the sharp mewls sounding more rich in my ears as I press my head over him, a symphony of misplaced sounds and accompanying sensations erupts from his open mouth, my tongue meets his right nipple, the combination of soft skin and unyielding tissue once more entices me, the continuous low hum General Hux emits signals his pleasure, and I nibble softly with my teeth, taking care not to bite too deeply as I take him in and suck, his left hand twists in my curls as his right quickly tears at my belt, I coax another different pitch from him as I transfer my mouth to his other nipple. 

His entire body rises up and pushes my face unto his chest, the musculature rippling against my lips and fluttering upon my tongue tempts me to explore further, to kiss along my way back down unto his organ, and suckle until only he becomes my food source, yet I am also compelled to sate the hunger borne unto me seemingly a lifetime before; sensing again my eager unease, General Hux swallows the pleasure stopping up his vocabulary as I sit back, I suddenly feel displaced, unable to find my way back to self-assurance and comfort, my wavering voice quietly whittles from between my pulsing lips, “G-General Hux, I c-cannot seem to-...my body wants...fulfillment.” 

'The act of 'Copulation' is reserved for the weaker species – none of the servants of the First Order shall hereby participate nor give themselves unto Nonconformity, it is unclean for the participants to enact such vile atrocities – all whom do not heed Supreme Leader Snoke's decree shall be destroyed by the first Knight of Ren: Kylo Ren.' 

Unbidden, the memory sought to imbalance me as it had at first disturbed me, thought the danger lay behind, I could not help that I knew nothing at all of 'Copulation', and so the shell of my control crumbles the more I try to proceed, yet General Hux stills my bumbling hands by taking them within his own and listening through his amiable silence. 

“I-I don't possess knowledge o-of-” the discomfort surging through my mind stirs my words beyond comprehension, it may have been the mixture of emotions certainly evolving across my facial features, from unbridled bliss to incurable lack of certainty, though my actions Gave pleasure, the sudden...Demand...my body reminded me of came unto my entirety alike a dense tempest of lightning, withholding rain and yet heavy with energy and moisture, once more, I felt as if I were about to explode out of my skin and lay scattered in a planet-wide radius, my skin perspired excessively, my organ throbbed thickly betwixt my heavy thighs and my testicles felt quadruple their weight and size, I shut my eyes and bit my lip so as to not admit defeat in the face of my own salvation. 

Oh, quiet this gentle thunder in my veins, slow my rushing blood, pacify this chaotic psyche thinking a thousand thoughts – just, please...oh, please continue this voluptuous cloying bliss...where, in the Light, I had found the place I belong, peace alas...everlasting serenity alas... 

“Kylo Ren,” his voice, alike the first thunder calling upon the storm raging in my body, I opened my eyes, though I had no awareness whilst I had first closed myself to visual sensory, I gasped my shaking breaths through my throbbing lips, as if I were panting after a long bout of physical training, he surged up so abruptly that I may have emitted an uncomfortably shameful squeak, though I perhaps should have felt the faintest inklings of terror, the honest stare General Hux entranced me with called for my trust, he stood alike a pillar, stripping out of his officer's trousers and under-layers, he undoes the last of his uniform jacket and seats himself upon my abdomen, he leaned over my frame, the next words he uttered promised not only the bid for my body's fulfillment, but also my ultimate release from the Dark, “I will not allow unto you any harm, Kylo Ren.” 

The cords of control held unto me suddenly have not the strength to bind me to the First Order, to their many rules and decrees which had since rendered my hunger for emotions and sensations as an unforgivable error in my human nature, the unnumbered minutes hours which had went into hours and hours into years – only myself as a whole mattered in the chaos of destiny, General Hux captures me, sweeps my lowered upper torso unto his own, his lips upon my mine convey all the forbidden passions of breaking the self-imposed insularity and the sorrowful innocence of our unity, his wet tongue laps fully upon my lips, slipping through my partially-open lips, and he searches, spreading the musky sweetness of his saliva until I am dizzy with longing and delirious of his wet muscle twisting around my tongue and coaxing out my breathy exhales. 

I am lost beyond retrieval, in words that I cannot fathom and emotions that I cannot describe, General Hux sears a part of his soul unto me, immersing me in his rapture, so suddenly, as if I had lost track of time once again, he brings me back unto the plane of the present, my organ enclosed in his warm hand, he lowers his hips unto me... 

“Hux!” my voice loosens a single sound, my crown is warm, hot, too hot, my cheeks aflame, my bones are melting away and being carried off to some other chasm alit, I die, my breath stops, I am reborn, my lungs take in a rush of oxygen, resurrected from my suffering of loneliness and unto this swirling wet heat squeezing around me, cradling, caressing, swallowing me whole and fluttering about me so deliciously that my nerves sob in it's naked elation, the coldest ice, the molten ore, cascade from my abdomen, along my spine, through my skin, licking a thousand tongues of cold fire through the many cords of muscles all clenched into one unhindered entity, a chorus of confusion erupts from my inner core, my abdomen squeezes, a heaviness I never once knew of at once cracks the galaxy into shards, my organ releases oceans of agony and cleanses me of the Darkness...

...oh, have me...oh, give me...oh, take me...oh, please...this insufferable pleasure...it's blinding me... 

This act of intimacy, in all it's foretold pomp and interwoven connections, has defeated me, leaving no defenses to spare. 

A dimension of serene nothingness awaits me as I ascend the realm of the present, where the snow that once singed my already-hot skin left but the gentle touches of frozen humidity, the touch of General Hux's lips guide me back, slowly goading me from the floating plane where swaths of swimming light writhed and flitted alike a sheet to the lazy gusts of wind, the endless warm kisses being pressed unto my emptied self is punctuated by the squeeze, my lax entirety once more clutches beneath his onslaught, he wrings me only to press himself unto me – please, I cannot bear it! 

Cruelly, he opens himself and swallows me in a single fell swoop, while I cannot think, the urgency builds, a new ocean arises from the bare floors, and this exquisite heat enclosing my organ, almost painfully, I meet his hips atop mine and surge myself into him, I push against his firm flesh, parting his inner muscles, giving as much sensation as I can take and in turn taking as much sensation as I drive myself to give, over and over, we are a being in the last gasping throes of death, just on the verging cusp of the birth of new shocks, his voice, a mixture of lustful murmurs and hissed entreaties, “Kylo Ren-! Kylo-!” 

“No,” the name I had chosen does not suit me as well as I had once thought, my eyes open and I see him above me, his arms bowed back and his palms braced upon my thighs which press at his spine, as if a wave of light himself, General Hux languidly slips and slides atop of me, his hair falling in long waves over the right side of his face, his full red lips open and emitting luscious groans, his torso tensing and relaxing between his fluid movements, the thought that he is more beautiful than I can stand sends another arrow of shocks spearing through my being, he stills atop of me, his open mouth choking upon the sensory overload I may have provided, his squeeze doing no more good than his presence as I attempt to form a full sentence, the sound escapes me half-formed and full of memories, “C-call me Ben.” 

“Ben,” hearing his husky drawl on my birth-name is an aphrodisiac all its own, my hips lift and surge up into him, he again encloses me in the unforgiving grip of his body, this tangled web of ecstasy, a billion intricate braided threads made of luminance plucking at my nerves and pulling me deeper, higher, quicker unto General Hux's soul, my bare fingers dig stark welts unto his naked thighs, where I sense him instantaneously flex before rising and falling unto my lap, his slicked skin providing little purchase as I give a sharp thrust upward, he watches my face through slitted eyes and hisses his broken voice, my name elongated by his pleasure, “B-en.” 

The slick little ring of muscle sucking my organ inward and refusing it's grasp as he lifts himself from atop me...the sensations hypnotize my mounting desire to reach the zenith of our intimacy, the liquid squelching our copulation looses is as I have thought before: vulgar. 

So vulgar and all the same consecrated, no one can fault the sacred union of two souls, the melding of the two Forces, the Dark accompanying the Light and the Light overcoming the Dark, an endless array of conflicting sensations, agony within the swells of fleshly bliss and pleasure shutting out the stings of excruciation, I am lost in the maze of his body, and found as he exacts the tight pressure upon my organ, my mind finds no place in this disarray of thoughts the peace it seeks, and I do not care if I may never find my psyche again, as long as he continues pulling me in and yanking his hips off, the nether ring between his thighs bringing me unto tempests worlds over, and into the black sea of oblivion, so that the Light of his soul may discover me unbeknownst of the sensation rippling throughout my entirety. 

Quite suddenly, his grip encircling my organ becomes unbearably hot, sucking me in and once more, my body bursts, my bones melt into liquid puddles, my skin shatters and the warm halo encircling my head engulfs me, breath escapes my lungs, my heart stops and there is silence... 

“Ben,” a voice calls to me, so far that I feel too exhausted to search for the source, my muscles simmer beneath my glowing skin, the illumination treading wonderfully soft until it is concentrated upon my mouth, and I am reborn. 

“Hux...” my dry throat lends a scratchy noise through my lips, I steal another breath from his open mouth and I feed upon his lips, needing him all to myself and not ready to give him over unto any other, my greedy body aches, my mind comes wandering back and gradually, reality reveals the Other urgency long after appetites of the flesh have been sated, his messy guilded-red locks stick to my brow from my perspiration, the breathless eruptions of warmth to the left of my neck tells of his equal fatigue, my lips press upon his moist crown and I breathe out, “We must leave. Soon. Before it's too late.” 

“What happened to 'falling' for me and the debilitation after copulation?” he asks inquisitively, his chin rests atop my collarbone as his entire body relaxes deeper upon my upper torso, he disturbs the warm pulses still rippling throughout my entirety, upsetting my oversensitive organ still lodged within his body, he stares at my fully and kisses along my jawbone , “Hm, Ben?” 

“How I feel does not change,” my eyes close momentarily, absorbing the slivers of heat he offers in the form of his moist kisses; the effect of his body, the taste, he chases away my fear and alarm, yet being that I fear for him, I sit up and begin the process of making our appearances orderly, I apologize by leaving a small fleeting brush of my lips upon his brow, “Another time, we can explore the fullness of copulation.” 

Understanding my sentiments, he stands up and pulls me along, before he can feel as empty and bare as I, my words reach him and have the desired affect, “When we escape, you may have me as you wish.” 

Never have I seen General Hux move so swiftly, he gathers all displaced articles of his uniform and pieces his ensemble back into order, as if nothing had transpired at all, save for the flush coloring his skin, others passing him may only think that he was taking a stroll upon the Death Star's surface far longer than he would have thought, apparently on urgent business checking the surface for defects or malfunctions, no one would question General Hux more than necessary – I rub out his fluids from my upper tunic, though there are traces of his essence, I find the thrill of rebellion all too delicious to pass up, and so he leaves, I await being that my apparatus was thence destroyed – just steps away from being rendered invisible from the falling ice crystals, he looks back unto my awaiting form, possibly still recalling the welling overflow of rapture's sensations, and he disappears in the white shadows descending unto the dead planet's surface. 

...so This...This is Light...

General Hux will find me through my tracker upon my belt, and doubtlessly, I wait, pleading with the Forces unseen for his safe return, my soul yearns for him, the singing in my blood subsides and I ache as never before... 

...this Love...punctuates my loneliness now that I have found my equal...my partner...the owner of half my heart...the keeper of half my soul... 

“Bring him back to me unharmed,” I beg the Forces that I had once shunned, it filled me, though hesitantly I began to believe, “Knowing him now as I do, it would be further torment were he to be taken so suddenly.” 

Somewhere, as if it were a whisper in the wind, I heard him, “I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> all stupidness set aside, i'm so sorry that this took so long to be posted & for the fact that the fic is Long...& that the sex was maybe Almost boring...i just had so much in mind that wasn't about Kylo Ren's inner turmoil & trying not to give too much of Episode VII away. 
> 
> it was supposed to be just about them two fucking, but it became something else. XP  
> either way, i'm happy to see how this fic turned out to be so damn Weird. 
> 
> Thank you, Lady Darkside, LordOfLove, LordMortem for your comments in the previous chapters, they helped cracking my writer's block  
> & thank you, MargaretKire, it was just the last push i needed - no pun intended


End file.
